I too have this "dis-ease" along with its attendant anxiety. I take xanax 5 times a day and try to NEVER miss a dose. The first 3 months I saw my T twice a week and am down to once a week. I think I have missed only once of calling him between appointments - he ALWAYS call back and reassures me. I admit, sometimes I have called and not left a message - just wanted to hear his voice on the phone and know that I could leave a message and he would call back. I, too, have had the wish to die for as long as I can remember - back when I was only a child (I am 57 now so that is a long time to wish for death. Now, I actually have some days that are interesting enough that I want to hang around to see what will happen next. They key to T is a good person, to trust the person implicitly and to hold absolutely nothing back - no matter how hard it is to talk about. I hope you can get insurance so you can go more often and develop that trust. One thing I know - I could quit my T today and ten years from now call and he would STILL call back. Once he takes you on as a patient you are always welcome back. He has taught me to meditate, has helped me to laugh at myself, and has me sitting up on a mountaintop, looking down at what I am doing, and remarking, "Look how interesting this person is down there! I wonder why she is doing that?" and then I can evaluate my behavior - my mindset - and perhaps change how I view the triggers to my depression. Good luck! We are all with you on this. (and thoughs of suicide are always important to talk about. Your T needs to know how you are feeling in order to help you.

The vision of your goodness will sustain me through the cold
Take my hand now to remember when you find yourself alone
You are never alone… (John Denver)
Mars