I'm going to type this just how it is, just how it feels. I have been keeping things in. Listening to my other half. His upset, his sadness, his fear. When the other is hurting you try not to add to that load. Secret sadness and day upon day. I mean less. Doing so well not drinking pretending not to mind the booze on his breath. Him loaded... me not any more. I want to drink I really do. mostly it is me with myself feeling nothing. Feeling panic because I can't meet expectations.
Just took a third job .Every hour not here is now every hour for someone else. I had dared to believe just a little bit that I might be able to achieve something more but now I see that just not going to happen. nothing will happen. Nothing goes in, stopped eating, I guess I feel I need to earn it.
no one will know i exist for whatever anyone else needs. I have isolated myself from people i know many people superficially and none close. my fault I don't do close. the person who is supposed to come and check on me didn't come. but this is ok . for really there is nothing to say.
So this is my annual i feel alone, post, then regret it.
Currently very confused as to not feel what i'm feeling