I didn't really think of myself like this. Or more like I was trying to lie to myself that I wasn't a narcissist.

I'll be forever alone probably.

I realize that is how it is for me. Mainly because I'm probably a terrible person. Not just romantically but probably with friendships too. See I've been thinking over the past day and I realize how much of a narcissist I really am. In the past I didn't think of it like that. With a title. I just thought of myself as someone who was shallow.

I don't do the textbook boasting (much) of what a narcissist is but inside and with my actions I am.

I can't be friends with people who I think are better than me.

If I am friends with someone I have to feel they are worse than me. I feel good when I think people are lower than me. When I have friends that accomplish something then I feel they have become better than me, I hope for them to fail. I feel good inside when they fail because it means I am better than them. At least that is what I feel inside. Otherwise I feel hatred. Disgust. I usually just disappear on them. It's why I have no friends really. Also the fact that I am a social phobic/agoraphobic who has hidden away from the world for the past 3 to almost 4 years now.

...

In my love life which has been mainly online I am shallow and unable to accept others. I see girls and feel like they are unacceptable for me even when they throw themselves at me. Are they just attracted to narcissists? That is what has been in my head thinking of them. Some tend to run away from me because they can sense I am a terrible person probably. Or they noticed that I've basically cut off all communication from them. Mainly because I think they are unattractive or better than me.

"It's what is on the inside that counts!"

Perhaps. Maybe some can look past looks. Or most. (Are they lying?) I can't really tell. I just feel really turned off if they aren't attractive to me which I feel a lot of people are unattractive.

I've tried to change. I try to look past their looks.

It's brutal.

An intense disgust that just dwells inside. I don't want to talk to these people anymore. Eventually I give up. It's impossible to say I am not a terrible person when this is my mental process. Enjoying others get hurt because it makes me feel better about myself with my low self-esteem and lack of anything.When it comes to emotions I feel like I have to fake everything. I just try to use the appropriate emotion for the appropriate situation. Probably why I feel like everything and everyone is fake. I am projecting myself onto them.

A realization about myself I guess.

I've tried to talk about myself in the past but people tend to overall have a hatred for someone like me.

Quoting people referring to me

"A shallow womanzing bastard."
"A sick person"
"You're an unlikable person. I don't like you."

It's not like I wanted to be me. I wanted to be the good guy. Or at least I would have fantasies that I was the good guy. The hero of the story. Guess I am more like the villain.