I just need somewhere safe to share this.

I joined a women’s choir a few months ago and our fall concert is in few days. I was getting stressed by the increasing responsibility to the choir along with working a full time job and I nearly quit both altogether when it became too much. I agreed to continue rehearsal and to perform this first concert and then reassess my membership with how I was handling things at that point.

Anyway, I am ashamed to admit how I’ve been considering the end of this concert as meaning an end to all of my obligations. It’s as if I’ve been waiting throughout all of the difficulties that have come along with trying to maintain my presence at work, with the choir and with family—holding out until the expectations are over and I can let go completely. These thoughts being all that really helps me get through the most difficult days- knowing they’ll come to an end. Not allowing myself to think beyond that time because I expect very little good in the future from it. I don’t want to go on as I have been. And I’m hesitant to say anything about it to my therapist. After all this time, to still want my life to end despite the progress I’ve made toward recovery, I’m a complete disappointment.

What it all seems to come down to is I don’t believe in any reason to continue bearing through with this much unhappiness. Sure things in my life have changed, but I haven’t truly changed. I still feel like I don’t belong anywhere here and my struggling to prove otherwise is not worth it. I’m always by myself and without those connections to others that could possibly make a difference. I don’t think it would be understood to explain to my doctor or anyone else just how tired I am of trying—and tired of fighting against myself, if that makes sense.

I haven’t posted as much as I hoped I would be able to, but whatever I think to say is of so little benefit, I just go. I’m sorry.