I really like Kierkegaard. Today I learned a little more about his ideas on commitment and what it means to truly live. I think he thought that to be really alive you need to risk and decide to commit to something even though you're not 100% sure and even if it doesn't seem to make sense.

So after a lifetime of trying to establish a healthier relationship with food and failing hundreds of times, and knowing the statistics on the success rate of people trying to change, and even knowing that the best predictor of the future is past behavior, I'm still committed to trying to make a positive change. At this point I'm not even worried about my small chance of succeeding, it's just the way I choose to live. I choose to do everything I can, learn everything I can and change what I can, as if I'm assured success. And when I take a few steps backward, I'll just start again.

Camus wrote an essay on Sisyphus, looking at how he could be considered a hero. Camus looked at different approaches Sisyphus could have toward having to push the rock uphill. One approach was for Sisyphus to make the rock "his thing". Then his work would be meaningful. Well I think I'm going to try to make successfully changing my relationship with food "my thing", and not concern myself with whether or not my "eating disorder rock" rolls down the hill a million times. Wish me luck.