Seems strange...I feel like I have no motivation...but I'm trying like crazy to find a motivation. Is that veiled motivation?

I found a pretty good word for what I feel like when it comes to my logical and emotional understanding of what I wrote in the post above. My logical understanding and emotional "understanding" seem to put me at a "stalemate". I thought stalemate was a pretty good word for what it feels like right now. No part of me is "winning" the internal war.