Last night was my junior prom. All in all it was fun, the unfortunate bit was that one of my friends was there, a very anorexic friend. She's around 5'9 and weighs close to 100 lbs if even that by now. I look at her and think "that is disgusting, how could she or anyone else ever find that attractive?!" but then at the same time it triggers me. That day i ate yogurt early in the morn. I didn't eat again until around 1 am, then i ate hash browns and french toast. Got the calorie count up a bit at least. Today i had yogurt, mashed potatoes, and pretzels. ergh.

Why is it that i see this in other people, in them i see that it is disgusting, unattractive, etc. and yet still i seem to want it. A friend called me a pig for eating the hash browns and french toast then she saw the look in my eyes and took it back. People are watching me but i'm to the point where i don't care. I just want the numbers on the scale to keep going down. My other friend jokes with me about it. I want to talk to him and tell him how it affects me, he has recovered from an ed so he knows how i feel but still he jokes. it hurts, badly.

I'm not even sure what i want to "get" out of this post, comfort maybe? reliability? A hand to pull me out of this ever deepening pit?