All,
I honestly appreciate the kind words. But I need to own the way I behaved. I did not do these things because I was trying to discipline him. I did them because when he first came down I was resentful, angry about having it forced on me, and anxious because of the fear of losing my place bc I couldn't have pets there. My behavior was misdirected anger. I intentionally took it out on him, when he would do something wrong or several times because I was just frustrated and mad. And a few really awful times because I felt a hatred for him. It was never my intention to seriously injure him, or to kill him. I didn't even really have an intention. I just made some of the worst decisions of my life by objectifying a living breathing creature who was innocent and took out a lot of immature long term meaningless frustration and directed it towards him. I didn't like cats then. I've learned how common that is, but can't understand why despite the fact I was once like that. Notice people when asked, "do you have a dog or a cat?" They may say, no i don't have a dog or no I don't have a cat, but a lot of times there is an added "I hate cats" but never "I hate dogs" Point being, these poor animals get a bad rap. Remember, this is someone talking about events of 5+ years ago, I'm not that person anymore. If I witnessed myself of then, by myself today, I would beat myself senseless for what I did. My point is, some people lose their anger and kick a door, smack a wall, smash something outside, or throw something around the room. All objects. I basically applied that same principle to this animal. I can not simply my actions. They haunt me in my head. They were not harmless. I scared him so badly. He wouldn't even come into a room when I was there. He just sat, alone and afraid on the stair. Maybe that's where I wanted him then, out of the picture back then.
You all are supportive and good people and I sincerely do appreciate your kind words. And I'm not arguing or disagreeing in anyway. I know he did forgive me. I know I changed. I know I owe him for showing me so many amazing lessons about life. I know I tried to avenge myself, to repent and I apologized countless hundreds of times. I know I did my best to do things in his honor to save other animals, etc. But in the finality of his passing, comes, much like a human death, a vision of all the things you regret about the past. And I can not escape the fear in his face that I caused, or the agony and suffering of anxiety and stress I probably induced in him for those months. I did not get joy out of it. There was no sadistic pleasure. I just didn't treat him like a living thing that could feel pain. I treated him like a lot of people would treat a mouse in your house or an armadillo burrowing under your lawn. As a pest. And the shame I feel about that is so great, that it literally makes my heart race, my mind race, robs me of sleep, makes me cry when I'm alone, makes me pray for forgiveness. And it robs me of closure. Despite all the good, I just can't get over the bad. The way I grew to love him, appreciate and today miss him, makes those memories that flash into my mind almost unbearable. I want to collapse when they flood in. Maybe that's just my reality and an awful lesson that I must live with. But I can't seem to find any reason to ever let myself forgive my actions despite the 5 years of love that followed.