I had a bit of a symbolic breakthrough the other day with my boyfriend, we took the spare mattress out of his room that he had put on the floor because I started being afraid of sleeping next to someone and was having bad nightmares.

He is sex-obsessed and has made a few faux pas and triggered me but he makes sure to calm me down when he accidentally does so. He will often wake up in the night and service himself (or he will still be awake because he is so horny) and when I was starting to get back into bed with him he felt me wake up and was scared that he was freaking me out so paused to check on me (he had made sure that I was on the side closest to the spare mattress so I could flee anytime)

I have also had situations periodically where I can't even hug my partners, they have said that this upsets them but they know that I am not doing it on purpose and they hate the people who hurt me.

I guess my point is: he has a hand, 2 even and if he cares then he will suck it up.

I'm not sure what your stance on this is but I have found that letting them watch porn is a good idea. It redirects the attention and they can have time to take care of themselves, leaving them less stressed/sexually frustrated and more able to look after me.
(Note: I am not threatened by this, as most people in relationships seem to be, because it is a person on a screen. My partners love me for who I am as a person and no amount of looking at attractive people will change that. Just like looking at pictures of topless celebrities wouldn't make you want to leave him.)