I'm glad to be able to talk to you. If I seem to disappear, please don't take it personally - I'm in my own therapy and struggling a bit with my own life, so sometimes I have to get away from the computer and deal with "real life".

I hope you have success with your nickname. Really, there is no reason at all to feel guilty! It's hard if people already know you (it's hard for people to start calling you by a different name), but for new people... all you have to say is something like, "My friends call me Nature".

Sure, I can give you a couple examples of things that have made me freak out. It's probably not the same stuff that you're doing though!

For example, in college, there was a nice guy that I was good friends with. I adored him as a friend, and we hung out quite alot (we lived on the same floor in the dorms). Apparently, he had a crush on me and his roommate convinced him to tell me. Not just to *tell* me, but to buy me a cute stuffed animal for Valentine's Day.

I sort of freaked out... I thought we were friends, and just freaked out (it felt scary to me!) I remember him pulling out this (cute!) stuffed animal, and I was like, "What is that? Why are you giving this to me?" It went downhill from there, and I basically ran away and hid from him for awhile.

I think we DID end up on friendly terms again, when he started dating someone else. I wish I had reacted more maturely, but it just hit all sorts of triggers for me... I'm not even sure if I know what they are now, definitely did not then. I just felt very scared, which caused me to run.

I'm sure that's not the only person I did that too. I had a good friend in college who invited me to her wedding after we had both graduated. I felt awful about myself (ugly, fat, etc.) and at that point in time, couldn't imagine being around all those people . I can't remember if I actually RSVP'ed or not, but I didn't go... and I never really talked to her again after that. I feel sad, in retrospect, because I really liked her and her husband, and I think they may have been hurt by my response, but I was in such a low, depressed, awful place...

Most of these are stories about people that I knew pretty well, and feel like I should have handled better but... the fact that I seemed to be "rejecting" these people honestly had NOTHING to do with them, and everything to do with my own craziness... (which I'm STILL working on!!!)

Oh, but maybe this is a good example... recently I had to travel for work. On the long flight home, the lovely woman next to me started up a conversation. We talked about our work, what we do, etc. It was fine. Then she told me she's a school nurse. Still fine. Then she told me she does alot of counseling for the kids she sees, they need someone to talk to. OK - that's great, but I'm a tiny bit nervous. Then she starts talking to me about how many kids are suicidal, and how teen suicide is up! YIKES! I was already freaked out from flying, miserable from the trip, and just working very hard to hold my stuff together and not freak out and get in any kind of trouble... As soon as she went down that road, I started to tune her out and give subtle signals of "nice talking to you, I'm going to curl up with my book now" - no offense at all, and not really her fault, she truly seemed like a lovely person, but I was SO not ready to go there with a stranger on a plane, and she had no idea what kind of life/problems I had... so it felt a little inappropriate. I told my T when I got back, and even he said... "wow - that's really heavy to tell a stranger on a plane!"

I don't know if any of that helps at all. I do understand how hard it is to find friends... I've been talking to my T about it lately. Having real-life friends you can do things with is so important, but it's hard for EVERYONE. I've been reading a bit of a blog (from the woman who set up a networking site for women to connect with other local women) and learning alot... here... Shasta's Friendship Blog | Inspiring Women to Create Their Best Circle of Friends

Not sure if there's anything that might be helpful to you, but you might like it. I'm finding it very interesting... a lot to think about!

Have a good night!