i really get what you mean by your saying that you look for abuse. its easier to sink into old habits than to make new ones... no matter how bad they are... for me that is starting to cut again... and being depressed... (though i've been extremely motivated in getting myself out of that one) for some reason, when something bad happens, it almost feels good to sink back into depression... thats the comparison i am making to your seeking of sexual abuse. I am racking my brain for suggestions on how to break away from it... but it is so hard sometimes....

::mind blank::

first, i guess the thing to pinpoint would be why you seek out the abuse... and i guess thats what i just went over already... so lets see if we can find a step number two....

well, here is something i do... i write the words "will power" on a thick rubber band and put it around my wrist to remind myself... i hadn't really though about it until after i made it, but i suppose, when i show a lack of will power i could snap it on myself... just to kinda make it sink in that i need to try harder, ya know? So theres one suggestion... its only minor, but small steps are necessery when trying to accomplish big things. Breaking out of a cycle is a daunting task... but you can do it. You just have to have the hope and faith in yourself along with WILL POWER that is the biggest thing in life that i lack. I am starting to get it back... in small ways... but i've also lost it in other areas... like i don't even attempt to stop the urge to cut myself anymore... but i'll give in, and only make itty bitty scratches, that way i satisfy it and not do any damage... if only there was a way to satisfy yourself in a small way for your case, but thats a little tougher, so i wouldn't suggest it...

::thinking::

okay, a lot of times i dismiss the thoughts that i have because i feel that they wont change things, so i am going to abandon that tendancy in the case that something i think or say will actually trigger a though process... many things will probably be just like, "thank you captain obvious..." but oh well, there's no harm in trying.

okay, when you want to go to a bar, try bringing a friend with you... and that they know to try and keep you from leaving with anyone, ya know? or if you do leave with someone, that maybe that someone will have a friend that your friend can leave with also and join you two (if that was followable...)

The main thing here, i think, would be your desire to stop this cycle... i guess this would be obvious by the fact that you posted on here... so granted... your going to need to muster up your will power... give yourself a goal... if u cannot avoid going to the bar, which i guess would be the first obvious suggestion, but here i'm assuming that you will eventually go... if you can resist getting picked up by someone for however many nights/weeks treat yourself to something, get a massage, by some chocolate for yourself, go to a movie, get that dress you wanted at the mall... something... my parents always tell me that external motivation means nothing because your motivation comes from the inside, but i keep insisting that one needs the external motivation to get the ball rolling for the internal motivation to start kicking in.

Well, i think that is about it for the ideas i've gotten about your post, i'm sure i'll come up with more, and when i do, i'll make sure to post. I wish you much luck in your situation, and give you my prayers. ((((((((hugs))))))))
~Julie

"Sometimes it takes us to the bottom of our misery to understand the truth..."
~Gustav Havel - existentialist