I don't hug, I don't hold hands, I keep my socks and my shirt on during sex, I can't be held,and I can't snuggle. The T says I have the equivalent of combative PTSD. The sensation of touch fires something in my brain. Once when my H and I had an disagreement and he saw I was in tears he tried to hug me I managed to get away from him. Then he grabbed me and tried to hug me again. (I know he was trying to be nice and helpful because I was falling apart) At that moment I pushed him and told him I hated him. To leave me alone and don't touch me. I guess I was talking to my rapist. I hated what I said to my H and the look of shock on his face. That was 2 years ago, I still feel badly about that.

My H knows about my past abuse. He knows I was raped many times over as a 15yr old. He knows there was significant brain washing involved. No one (well almost no one) can know what that is like and what that does to your world. I'm not sure that ever goes away. My H knows that there was a great likelihood I was sexually abused as a small child, a 3-5 yr old. There is no solid evidence but some questionable relatives with proven past histories of petafile activities lived next door.

It took me 20 years to tell my husband about the things that happened. So he knows. Yet he still expects me to let it go and have unlimited amounts of sex and love it. He does the same thing my rapist did. He begs and pleads and coheres. I did learn a bad thing from my rapist It is soooo much easier to just give in. I remember having that very conversation with the guy who raped me. He told me "look here you are crying and putting up a fight and we have been at this 20 min now,(me trying to talk him out of hurting me) if you would just shut up and let me have it, it will only take 5 min and then it will be over." 5 min versus 20 min of arguing and him getting what he wants anyway. I just learned to dissociate. I am not going to go into it but that was the minimal of his tactics.

I do that with my H now. I don't want to have sex. I don't want to be something you take your sexual frustrations out on. I cannot stand when people touch me. Not my arm, not my back, not my breasts especially. Having someone near my face is the worst touch I can think of. My H knows these things yet for some reason he thinks that what he does doesn't matter.

We don't get along to well, he (my H) has been abusive in the past and controlling and just plain ole mean. I cannot forgive all that with my past and hop in the bed and love it.

I do not have a problem with him taking care of his own needs. I have no issue with him watching porn. He doesn't. He has before, but he feels it is wrong. So what ever. Meeting his sexual needs is something he can take care of.

HE is aware that I am trying to get over this stuff, and after being in T for almost 3 years working on this, I have come to the conclusion that I just don't love sex the way he does. I did tell him just a few weeks ago, that I was sorry if that was as deal breaker. I can't promise that i will ever be over this, I can't promise that I will ever love sex. He looked at me like I was from another planet and didn't say anything. At least now he knows.

So I really don't know what to do anymore. So here I am.