Hi, I'm a new member on here and thought I should probably get some things off my chest because I find it easier writing it down than saying it out loud.
I don't think that I am unloved or can't be loved but sometimes I find it difficult to trust peoples intentions on whether they like me or not, even close or friends or partners. I've never been in a "proper" relationship, I'm not entirely sure what people class that as, but there is this guy i talk to, we started speaking on facebook a few years ago and then my mum found out and i had to get rid of my account because he was a stranger and my mum didnt want me to be talking to someone i didnt know face to face. but i couldnt not speak to him so i continued to and we have both told each other that we love one another. we go on skype often and message each other everyday, we have realised that there is no way that we will end up with one another, he lives in a different country and he has always, even before talking to me wanted to move to either the UK or the United states to work but i want to move to France and i know i shouldnt sacrifice that for someone because we wont end up together. i try to move on and think of what it would be without him and it hurts but what is hurting me the most is that im struggling to understand how or why he likes me, im not anything special, my friends are better looking and nicer in general than me and he knows so many girls. like me, he had never been in a relationship before because he only would if he truly cared about someone but sometimes i worry that the only reason hes with me is because hes never been with anyone else and so thinks that he loves me. he is also very good looking and clever, which i am not. he calls me beautiful but i dont see it and everytime i even start to think maybe i look okay, i remember what my friends look like and then i see myself for what i am. i want him to find someone but at the same time i dont and i also dont think he does love me because i cant see how he can. we were together for about a year and half and it was very strange because when i first told him i loved him and we became a "couple" i ended up cheating on him by sexting another guy i was talking to without even thinking about it, i dont know why i did it and even now i feel so guilty and hate myself so much for it because he didnt deserve that at all. i lied to him about it as well which makes it worse because i was scared he'd leave me so i said i was drunk. only this year did i fully explain everything to him. after we;d acted as a couple for about a year and a half i ended it because i kept thinking that i didnt love him or couldnt see how i could when everyone else was in a relationship and was physically together. how could i love someone id never met? i thought about it for months, it was the only thing i did think about. when i told him, he was so upset, i felt so awful and empty but he accepted it and we were friends. but we kept acting couply accidentally because he said he still thought of me as a girlfriend and he still wanted me to be and i didnt stop anything. since then we've acted like a couple but we dont call each other boyfriend and girlfriend. i want to be in a relationship but im scared because the last time it happened i cheated on him and all i did was question my feelings for him the whole time. i also know im still young- 18- so i dont even know what these feelings even are yet and cant be sure on what im doing with them. hes sometimes made me cry by saying that he just wants to be with me and i cant give him that and i never will be able to. its heartbreaking to know that you could of found someone perfect but youll never know and i dont know how i can even begin to start getting over that.