((SkyWhite)),

The first thing you need to do is recognize your challenged areas. You are doing that, "good". Yes, some of these challenges come from long ago deep conditioning, not your fault. You also need to understand where it comes from as well as slowly developing a part of yourself that many call the "wise mind". That is a part of you that is going to work on healing, healing as though you would help someone else with this same challenge that you know doesn't deserve to feel that way about themself.

I can have that challenge myself, that comes from what I experienced with my older brother. My older brother was treated really badly from everyone, the bus to school, in school, at home. I felt bad for him, knew it was not right and began putting his needs above mine. My T told me that I took on the role a parent should have done. I had never really thought about it that way. All I saw is he had no one so I did my best to help him.

Often children learn that when a parent is not there to take care of whatever is wrong. But, a parent can also send that message to a child when the parent doesn't know how to be a parent and in ways treats the child as a burden.

When you get this feeling you need to step back and think about "you" and "your needs" and keep validating your own needs. It takes time and you need to be patient with yourself. You are going to have to practice "self care" and relearn, it doesn't happen overnight.

I have this very strong protective part of me when it comes to a person or people picking on others. It developed from seeing my brother picked on horribly day after day on that bus and in school, everywhere and seeing the pain in his face. People were relentless would not stop. I had not realized how much that got engrained in me tbh. It became obvious when the PTSD developed and got strong.

Not everything bad that we experience means we are bad either. Your caring about others is not bad, but you have to learn to "care" about yourself too. You did really good going to that meeting and fighting for yourself, now, you have to learn to be ok with that and not think it was wrong. So, you have to "practice" at doing these things for yourself that you need and then when you doubt like this, stop yourself and make sure you remind yourself, that was the old me, now I am going to change that and be ok with it.

One of the things I noticed with this PTSD is how I kept saying "I am sorry" all the time.
First I had to notice I did that when I struggled, then I had to keep telling myself in my mind (talk to myself) and say I don't need to be sorry, I really "am" struggling and it's ok to struggle and work on healing.

You have to pay attention to your self talk and especially when you talk down to yourself too. Keep acknowledging that you do it, and also tell yourself you are wrong to think that way and say "I am healing, I deserve to heal and take time for myself to do that healing".

You felt the urge to appologize to these people. Well, that is the old you, you need to recognize that and say to yourself, it's ok that I asked for help and try to stop your old habit of "appologizing".

Is it a lot of work? Yes, but you need to do this because the old way of thinking and feeling you are wrong to need is unhealthy. It takes time to change something so automatic like that, but it can be done. Lots of repeating to yourself, catching yourself and changing your inner message to yourself.

Hey, sometimes one can slip, that's ok too, just acknowledge it, don't beat yourself up if you slip and keep the positive messages going.