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alexandra_k said:
something i used to say: the trouble with idealisation is that it tends to lead to devaluation and despair when the object fails to live up to our idealisation.

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Yes, that's exactly it. For the last year and a half, I had him up on this pedestal... virtually untouchable... then I start getting angry at him.... well how can I get angry at someone who is like a god to me? So then the entire thing crumbles. Very similar to the relationship with my dad-- only I refuse to let him know if I'm angry with him-- for fear of the image and the relationship crumbling. I can't see a middle ground-- in my mind, it is impossible for me to hold multiple feelings for someone at the same time... the relationship has to be ideal or destructed.

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you don't think he thinks of you at all? i reckon your t thinks of you. my t doesn't think of me, of course... but i reckon your to thinks of you.

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A couple sessions ago, he was like, "You know after you left last week, I was wondering..." And I said, "Well, how long after I left? Because if it was 2 seconds, then that's by defaut-- but if it was, let's say... an hour... then I"ll be satisfied." (God, I am pathetic). Of course, he didn't tell me the exact time in which he thought of me, but I'm thinking it was more at the 2 second mark.

I didn't care what the hell he was wondering. I don't even remember. I didn't even hear him. It was the fact that he admitted to wondering, that caught my attention.

i am feeling like there is no emotional attachment on his part. i mean, i'm not looking for him to admit that he can't live without me (though it would be nice). i just want to know that there is some emotional reciprocation, but not solely in the form of empathy. am i making sense?

it relates to my usual pattern of living in extremes:
me=so much attachment i could die
him=no emotional attachment and wouldn't care if i dropped off the face of the earth tomorrow

i told him last week how i feel the same way about my husband. cause my husband is real independent. and with my attachment issues, of course the emotional weight of the relationship is somewhat skewed. so no matter what he tells me, i always feel that if i disappeared, husband would just move on with his life.

i hate. i hate. i hate being this way.

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do you feel... disillusioned??? can you tell him about the times when you have felt most connected to him? i know sometimes it can feel like that feeling of connection is something that our therapists give to us, but we actually contribute a great deal to that as well. i'm wondering whether you were kind of holding back / preventing yourself from taking comfort in his words.. maybe... you need to be angry right now?

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Yeah, I feel disillusioned. I think it would be the natural reaction to idealism crashing down.

as far as connection, I want to tell him about the little things... you know, how Yalom talks about how clients remember the little things... I want to tell him, but I get embarrassed... don't want him to think I notice stuff like that... like it's a big secret, and he's the only therapist who hasn't realized that clients notice this stuff, lol. i want to tell him that i felt connected when i saw the look in his eyes... i want to tell him how much i love when he crosses his legs, leans back in his chair, touches his goatee and looks so damn engaged with me... i want to tell him.

i definitely need to be angry now. i can feel that my anger is the necessary kind... essential to the relationship... a phase in the process that needs to be worked through.