Ok... I've never done this before nor have I ever expressed these issues to anyone before this post. I really don't know where else to turn. I've tried therapy once before and will never go back. I don't have any friends or family that I could talk to about this and I surely can't bring it up to my fiance (you will see why once you read this)
Ok, well I met my fiance 6 months ago and things have moved pretty fast since. She invited me to move in with her after a couple months of dating and then a couple months after we lived together I proposed to her and now we are engaged. I love her more than I could ever describe and love every second I get to spend with her. I used to feel like she felt the same way but honestly lately she just seems to be settling with me. I know I'm not a great catch... I mean I have a good job, I'm kinda in shape, I'm not ugly but not breathtaking, and i do treat her good. The thing that's just killing me is her past. She's dated alot of guys before me and has had sex with 12 guys before me (that she's admitted to) now that didn't really bother me at first but lately it's all I can think about. Our sex hasn't been great at all and literally it's all that I think about. It's my fault, one: I don't have a big **** (6 inch average I guess) and two: I haven't been able to last long in bed. It never was a problem with my past sexual partners (of which I've only had 2) but now it's a huge problem. I know she's dissapointed with it and why shouldn't she be. I've tried medications, keagles (not sure how it's spelled) and I'm sure the not being able to last longer in bed wouldn't always be a problem bc it never was before and I can do things to make it go away. Anyway what's really just eating me up inside is knowing that she's had so many sexual partners before me that one: I'm sure had much bigger dicks and two: gave her a much better orgasam than I have. If I didn't care so much about her and wasn't crazy in love with her than these things wouldn't bother me nearly as much. I'm so pissed with myself that I even let myself fall in love with her. Now I'm terrified that she will end up cheating on me because I can't live up to her exes.
We don't even have sex that often anymore. To be honest be never really had sex that often bc she's always coming up with excuses to why she can't have sex with me. We've been together for 6 months now and have gone (a few times) over a month without having sex. She knows that I'm always up for sex, but I just gave up on initiating it bc I'm tired of being shut down. She's not really intimate with me at all, I mean we barely kiss, hug or anything that requires affection. I mean a girl (28 years old) who's slept with 12 guys obviously likes sex, so why doesn't she want to have it with me? Now I know I said I haven't been able to last long but I've noticed I've gotten better at that. I honestly just think it was bc i went a couple years without seeing anyone so I kinda fell out of practice. And she knows that, but every time we go a month without it and then just have sex once well, it doesn't help things (with trying to last long).
Also, she knows I'm insecure about my penis and worrying that it's not big enough for her and she has not once tried to reassure me about it. I mean I'm sure she's had plenty of bigger ones before me but she could at least try and give me some sort of confidence. I can tell when we have sex that she doesn't enjoy (my size I guess) even one of the first times we had sex I was fully errect and all the way inside her and she said afterwards "you only had the tip in" any men reading this will know how much that hurt and how badly it stuck to me. Not a day has gone by where I haven't thought about that. Basically she's saying "I've had much bigger dicks" that statement alone has just killed my manhood and any confidence I ever had.
My ex who I was with for 6 years always told me she loved my penis and it's size saying that it had girth and made her feel great and I believed her. Plus I could definitely tell she enjoyed our sex bc she always wanted it and always had orgasams. I realize she wasn't as experienced (only having 2 partners before me) over my fiance having 12 so maybe that's why? But regardless, she knew how to keep me confident and the result was I was never ever insecure like I am now. I absolutely hate the person I am now. I'm so insecure about myself, I've lost all confidence and I just don't know what to do. I'm pretty sure I read on this site somewhere that you can't say anything about suicidal thoughts or wanting to hurt yourself so I'm not going to say that I have. I just can't get over this and don't see myself living without her. I don't even know why she wants to marry me... I honestly think she just wants to settle down and she knows I'm a safe bet. Meaning: she knows I wouldn't ever cheat on her, I have a stable job and I'll always treat her right. But if she isn't satisfied sexually with me than its only a matter of time before she's looking for it somewhere else.
Also I'm sorry for jumping back and forth and not staying on subject (like I said I've never posted anything like this before) so I'm just typing what comes in my mind.
Anyway, I don't know what to do. I Mean is there a chance I'll ever recover my confidence with her and be happy or is it a lost cause? There's no way I could ever bring this up to her bc I'm scared she'd be too honest with me. I'm a big believer in not asking questions that your not equipped to handle the answers to. So just any input would be appreciated. Thanks