Sorry for the long post. Hope you get to the end!
I was really sad after therapy this week. I texted my t (which she says is fine to do). I don't do this often; maybe once or twice within a week; usually soon after the session, then I leave her alone! She is always trying to get me to self soothe, which she knows I can't do, but she is usually very kind. I def have maternal transference. She has told me she loves me, though she doesn't say this often. Anyway, in her text she told me to take my inner child by the hand and tell her I would look after her, and for both me and inner c to tell our critical parent we need her, but not all the time. This is in response to me saying I needed some comfort from knowing she was there and I was overwhelmed and struggling.
Unfortunately it was my inner child who read the message and took it as a rejection/abandonment. It hit me quite hard so I wrote down how I was feeling. It's very strong. Here it is. Read L for me and LL for inner child. Hope I starred out all the swearing sorry.

'I feel hurt, angry and rejected. I had reached out to you and you had basically said; sort yourself out, I'm not helping you. I don't know why I bother putting my trust in you. I should've known not to trust you. Here I am saying, 'I'm sad, overwhelmed, struggling,' and you've just said sort yourself out. Sound familiar? Do you think I've possibly received that message before? It's no **** good addressing the message to L because she wasn't the one who sent it, and it wasn't her who was waiting for a reply; it was LL. Don't you think she's had enough *** in her life already without you rejecting her? You know she doesn't want L. She's not ****well ready for that yet. How can she be?! How do you expect her to be able to accept L's help? You're the only one she trusts and you've pushed her away. Do you remember how long it took her to trust you?! Two ***** years. And do you have any idea how hard it is for her to reach out and say she needs help? My message to the world for 40 years has been, 'I don't need you, I can manage by myself.' Pushing everyone away. Why? Because this is what happens when you reach out to someone else. They let you down. And I know you are trying to teach me self-reliance and I know that people can't always be there for you. I know that. But maybe LL is nowhere near that stage yet. Maybe she has to have some dependency on you first because being needy and depending on someone has taken ***** years to achieve. And now I've achieved it, instead of celebrating it and saying, well done for trusting me, well done for asking for help, well done for allowing yourself to be needy when it's so hard for you; you're saying, 'not good enough. Must do better.'
Can I have an achievable target please? Please don't make me run before I can walk. You're making me stumble and fall. You're breaking my trust.
And L feels bad for asking you when you're busy and knows she shouldn't expect anything from you out of session. But when I asked you if it was ok to text you recently, you actually said 'how come you don't know it's ok?' Like I was wrong for not knowing that. And if you are busy etc I know I can wait. But would it have been so hard to give me what I had asked for? I just wanted to reach out and know you were there. So you could have easily texted something like; 'It's ok love, I'm here. You're going to be ok. Sending a hug.'That would've taken as much effort as the text you did send but it would have had the added effect of soothing me too. I probably wouldn't have needed anything after that. As you know, I tend to need you most right after a session and then leave you alone for the rest of the week. Also, I was completely wobbly before I sent the text, so how do you think I was after it? Able to cope with life/work etc? Not really. And you've made me hate myself more as I think I was so *** stupid to text you when I was hurting. Why did I do that? What an idiot I am; I should've known it'd hurt me.
I'm so mad at you and so hurt. I put my trust in you and you let me down like everyone else in my life. The only things I can think of is to push you away too. You don't deserve my love either.'

Anyway I managed to swallow my feelings enough to text her back 'thanks for texting me back'. Then today out of the blue I get one from her saying she knows it wasn't what I wanted and we'd discuss on Wed. Am furious! I told her I'd written down how I felt and I was planning to bring it with me. Now I'm terrified about Wed. Been thinking about not going for the first time ever. Partly to hurt her, though I guess it wouldn't. Partly through fear! Any of you been here?!

Also I do know this is all about my mum really. I'm angry at my mum. My t know that I know this too.

Thanks for listening especially if you got to the end of this!