I posted something mentioning that on the SI board, but now I'm utterly more depressed than wanting to self-injure.

Spent a week in the hospital in mid.-Feb and have been slowly recovering since then. Once we got all meds to a therapeutic level, I had been doing pretty good.

Then, last Monday, I had what I thought was a really good job interview, for a job I desperately wanted.

Got the rejection letter Thursday--meaning they mailed it Wednesday--meaning it took them 24 hours to decide I suck.

Saw pdoc Friday, still pretty bummed out. I figured it was a temporary mood. He seemed to figure otherwise, and upped one of my meds. Which I've been kind of pissed about, till realizing, HEY! I really AM depressed! LOL

I need a second job to afford the one I have, and I lost that second job, and I am so far behind on everything that now the "we're cutting you off" letters are coming. Thank god I'm current on my rent -- I make that a priority -- but the car insurance is gone....the cable goes Tuesday....the electric goes the week after that...who knows what's next. i'm stressed as hell.

And THEN, today, I get another rejection, from an interview I had 2 weeks ago. Do enough of these things and you kind of get to know the score pretty quickly. I more or less could tell by the time I walked out of there that it wasn't going anywhere, but thought that being an alum (it was for a position at the university I teach at) might get me somewhere. It didn't.

I'm sick of being broke, and constantly having to hit up friends for money (one has to pay for my meds for me like every other month), and I'm sick of being rejected and hearing the employment version of "it's not you, it's me" -- "While your skills are certainly very impressive," blah blah blah. if I'm so fricking impressive, why won't they hire me!!

To make matters worse, somebody I went to college with just got a job at ESPN (lovely shade of green, aren't I?)

And now, despite the most skilled therapist I have ever had, who has spent the last almost 11 months pretty much getting me convinced that I'm not a complete waste of human life, I feel like crap, and I feel it spiraling, and while I'm a good ways yet from feeling as bad as I did to land in the hospital, I feel pretty damn bad and am not seeing any chance of it clearing up anytime soon.

Argh.

Taking suggestions from one and all.

Candy

There used to be a real me, but I had it surgically removed. -- Peter Sellers