i feel like EVERYTHING i do, i'm doing it wrong, or annoying someone, or not doing it good enough. i feel like no one wants me around, even on here, i don't reply to people coz i feel they don't want my opinions or support. i havn't been going out even though i have an amazing group of friends unless i'm with on eo fmy 2 best mates (but one of them is scared to come out because of certain people. which makes me feel even more useless because i cna't help her) and i feel i'm annoying the other mate coz i sorta follow her around all night coz i don't wanna speak to anyone else because i feel they don't want to speak to me. i feel so lonely, even though i know i have at least 2 friends coz they always say they wont leave me, but so did 2 other people, and they left, how can i know that they wont either? i sorta distance myself from them because i'm utterly terrified i'm going to lose them. when i lost my other mates, i lost my band aswell (and that was the only thing i was proud of myself in) and practically my whole life coz i had everything planned with those 2. now i'm just sat here, at 15yo, with ABSALOUTLY NO IDEA what i'm going to do after next school year. i've tried thinking of jobs i could get to keep myself going, but in everything i can htink of i have to talk to people, people i don't know. i shake with fear and nerves just THINKING about talking to people i don't know. what am i going to do in life? i'm SICK and TIRED of sayin i'm okay, coz i am NOT o-ffing-k!! i never have been!! and i'm sick of being too %#@&#! up to function! i watch my friends joke around with each other, have a laugh, have RELATIONSHIPS. don't even get me started on that one! all a relationship is to me is another excuse to have a mental breakdown! i hate myself so much! why me? what did i ever do wrong? apart from breathe? why did the voices in my head have to break me down, then people break me down even further until i'm as %#@&#! up as this? WHY WHY WHY WHY?!!!!

sorry

-steph
xxx