I've had a couple of Ts tell me to keep track of my triggers. I keep "forgetting" to do it. But it's not forgetting, I'm just sick and tired of it. Sometimes I feel like I'm in a minefield. After PTSD, so many different things trigger me, there is no darned link between them either.

A family member comes home looking upset but denies anything...and I suddenly find myself with all these somatic symptoms. I think, Oh trigger..again. Argument online...trigger. Bad sleep...trigger. Body pain...trigger. Feel like I'm catching a cold...trigger. Read about war in Middle East...trigger. Suddenly come across an old friend's name online...trigger.

And I don't mean minor triggers, I mean like full on, with the pain and fear and sickly feeling, etc. Sometimes I have weeks when I have back to back triggers, several big ones a day and suddenly I find myself with face full of beard and haven't taken a shower in a whole week, and I realize I haven't left the apartment in ten days, and have to go out cause I'm out of canned food. I dust myself off, shave, bathe, feel hopeful, go out, and in the evening mom calls...and suddenly I'm up till 6 am...feeling sickly again.

It's funny or maybe sad, sometimes I kind of envy people who have only particular phobias, like flying phobia. As awful as it would be if they had to fly, they could still live their lives without having to fly. Or rather, how often do they have to fly...surely not every few days! In short, they could avoid the trigger, they know what it is, it's so big, so obvious. Not mine... (btw, I'm not making light of flying phobia, just using it to illustrate my point, I'm sure that phobia is a hell of its own).

My therapists have said medications I'm taking won't solve much if I don't do the homework. Like what triggered me, when, how long it lasted, etc. But frankly I'm ****ing tired of it. Sometimes I find myself confusing myself on purpose or making myself numb. I also reason, if I become hopeful, I won't get hurt so badly when I get triggered again. So I stay in my own **** for as long as I can. When you hit bottom, there is a sick kind of safety in there. But when you get up, try to dig yourself out, and you keep getting punched in the stomach, that's much worse.

I have no idea how people with bipolar can do it, going from one extreme to another, cycling like that. Well, with PTSD mixed with depression and anxiety and my OCD, it's no picnic either. I have good days and then I think God please, let me remember the good feeling. I even make a note of it, like almost try to grab it, keep it...but it slips away...and just a memory...and I'm back in the minefield again. I sit down, hug myself, and don't move. If I don't move, I won't step on a mine, I won't die. But when you stop moving out of fear, that's a different kind of death too.