i have no idea what i want. I know they can't help me if I'm not willing to do any work. But i think i want so badly to hold on to my eating disorder that i refuse to change...in which case theres nothing else either of them can do.
I hate myself for not wanting to change but...I JUST DONT KNOW. 5% of the time i want to change and 95% of the time I want to hold on to the only identity i have. the only thing that makes me feel safe, the only way i know how to cope with life.