((PeaceLily)),

I am sorry you are having some dark thoughts, you need to be patient with this, they are much like other symtoms that come in like a wave, crest, and receed and go away. Yes, the desire to talk about it is very common, that is why it is important to have a good trauma therapist.

Yes, I had those flashes myself, it scared me too. You need to acknowledge them, yes that happened, it was in my past but not now. And I know that feeling of it being your fault or feeling like a failure too. That is normal with PTSD, but don't feed into it, again, it's ok to acknowledge you are feeling that way, but, you must remember it is a symptom of PTSD and these episodes will slowly ease up, very important to remember that when they happen. Yes, that urge to tell family will happen too, make them hear you and feel bad for what happened to you. That strong feeling takes place too, however, as you keep acknowledging it and talking about it, that will slowly ease up.

No, you are not a "freak" either, yet again PTSD does make a person feel like that. It's good that you have talked about this here because you need to know that what you are feeling is something others have experienced and worked through as well.

Yes sometimes the frustration goes from anger to tears because in this phase you are in of PTSD, that does happen, but as you keep working through it, talking it all out these episodes get less and less powerful, I promise that they will so you need to be patient with this stage.

See if you can find a trauma therapist, what helps is talking this all out as much as you need to, a therapist is supposed to help you feel safe, listen to you and be a witness to your challenge as that was not something you had. Having someone validate these challenges with you helps a great deal. Always remember when things come forward it's always in a wave that comes forward, crests and then receeds, it's not like they last and last.

You are still young PeaceLily, you can work through this and do better and get your life together. Do not feed into the suicidal thoughts, they will ease up. You must be honest with this therapist and ask her to refer you to a trauma therapist.

You are always welcome to vent, post, talk here if you need to. It's good to have a place to talk it out.

((Gentle Caring Hugs))
OE