I just don't understand at all. I think I am like the old scraggly dog that no wants to my sister. Even though she continually kicks me to make me go away, I keep going back, wagging my tail and trying to ask her to love me.

She is 7 years younger than me so I guess it was not easy for us to be close because of that. Over the years she has done many, many hurtful things to me. Said really hateful and rude things when I was going through trials, various things. First really hurtful thing I remember was at Christmas one year when I was a teenager, she and my dad (?) played a cruel trick on me. Told me there was a car out in the driveway for me...it was a toy model car, just like the one I had been talking about a lot. Wow. I guess my dad was an immature mean person also.

Then of course some major hurts, when I was truly suffering through a mental health crisis, she and my dad kicked me out of his house the day I had gotten out of a hospital, just after a suicide attempt. Told me I could no longer live there because I was causing problems. My dad was putting me through hell so we argued a lot. How was this her place? She also gave away all my belongings that I had in storage, a whole house of nice furniture, everything I owned. She said it was because my dad did not want to pay the storage fee any longer. Of course they did not give me the opportunity to try to go through my things or sell them. She sold them and gave some of the money to my sons, then gave away the rest to her neighbors. What a fiasco that was. Who does that?

That was about 5 years ago. So I got better and finally decided I would forgive her for everything last year and when our mom died, I thought we became close and everything was ok. Well, of course I committed an infraction last year, I could not drive my dad all over creation for some doctors appointments when she asked me to, I was going through acute klonopin withdrawal. So she got really angry, hung up on me and after that made it clear that she wanted nothing to do with me, without coming right out and saying it. She did say once that her plate was too full for me to be trying to call her or come to her house and be 'buddies'.

So tonight, she called me about Thanksgiving. Basically told me that she is not really planning to have people over, but let me know if my family...my sons and grandchildren are planning to come over. She had heard from my dad that my son and I discussed having it at his house, since mine is too small. Plus she said that "you know you don't like to come to my house". It's more like that she just does not want me there. Obviously I CANNOT get the message from her all these years that she just plain old does not want me in her life for any reason, ever. This hurts me so badly, I cry about it at times. Just tonight it felt like another dagger being plunged into my heart. I really cannot think of anything so horrible or even bad that I did to her that makes her dislike me so. Therapists have told me that perhaps she was jealous of me somehow. Cannot imagine why she would be. Makes no sense to me. Two therapists asked me why I even would want her in my life.

At times like these I think I should write her a one time, meaningful letter to say that "I love you, but you have hurt me too many times...you won't have to see me anymore since that seems to be what you want." I do have lots of anger towards her at times also. How very painful this fresh hurt is.