I'm sorry. I hate posting this. I always feel guilty after posting something of this nature. I try so hard to be positive, think positive, act positive, really FEEL positive, ect. It's just that no matter how hard I try lately, I just seem to make things right, just can't get my mind "out of the gutter," as one of my teachers said to me a few years back. I DON'T WANT to give up this fight, not now. There are so many things that I still want to do, so many dreams, I don't want to just end everything here. I won't. I refuse to. These kind of feelings make it so hard. I just want to live. For the last six years, the only thing I've done is SURVIVE. I don't want to simply exist, I want to really LIVE. I'm tired of sitting on the sidelines. I want to participate. It is such a struggle. I just want to have fun and be happy again. I spend so much time wrapped up in the past, remembering better days. I CANNOT let myself think this way, not now! As a good friend told me, "fake it til you make it..." I just that's just what I'll have to do.

This was more of a vent than anything else. So tired of conversing with myself, going back and forth in my head. I think I need to lie down............