I have realized a pattern that when I feel like my T. is frustrated or disappointed I feel the longing more and have a harder time in between sessions. I want to fix it right away.
When I've addressed it in the past, she says she's not frustrated. I have a very hard time opening up in my sessions due to fears of what she'll think, afraid she'll judge, and mostly afraid our relationship will change. She knows this but hasn't been able to make me feel better. She will ask why I feel that way and has asked what she can say to make it better and I can't think of anything. Probably because deep down I know actions speak louder than words.
Now I have another week to wait thinking of my regrets in my session and possibly upsetting her by not being able to talk. I know it must be frustrating. Some of this is due to my maternal transference as I would never tell my mom my feelings for the exact same fears. I told my T. "have I told you how hard all of this is for me? All of these unwanted feelings?" She said that I've told her several times along with the fact she's not nurturing and that she sucks (lol, low moment a few months ago). I'm actually wondering if I've hurt her feelings along the way.
We have a teasing/great relationship so we get along well. I hate that I can't fix this right now and make sure everything is ok! She doesn't allow contact between sessions unless to schedule an appt.
What do you do/tell yourself to make it easier until your next session?
And, deep down I know I could be making this much more than it is. All it took was one look and it "triggered" me. Ugh.