I have Sexual Sadism and Masochism thoughts. I am BI-sexual and think about both S and M frequently with women(I am happily married). I have periods where there is definitely significant distress mostly with friendships & really sexy lady strangers, though I am fine at work.

Yep, I could have written this word for word! (Shame you're so far away...
But I have very good close female friends, and always have had, so for me that's not a connection. I have recently had a brief sexual relationship with one of my best friends, but I don't really feel that way about her so it was weird.
My h doesn't know (he has heard me identify as bi, but he would never bring it up or tell anyone else), wow I envy you that your h is okay with you having a friend with benefits! We don't do s and m stuff either, I guess we are just too entrenched in our ays, and also stuff about being parents etc....I don't know.

I think from what you've said, that it may be important for you to develop friendships with females where sex is definitely not on the agenda, so that you can build a strong platonic relationship. Maybe someone who you really are not attracted to . It is often very confusing when sex and friendships get muddled. I felt quite repulsed by what I had done with my friend for a while, and it affected the way I felt about her for a bit, which isn't fair, cos she's lovely!