I'm going to share a journal entry (please tell me if you think I should show T?

Journal-
Well I had my first session today.
It's been awhile since I had therapy.
I talked more than I anticipated.
I think I'm going to keep going.
I did something I can't believe at the end of the session.
I actually asked her how she handles the pushing away crap I do. She said she could handle it. I actually said I need someone who won't give up on me. I can't believe I said that. Why the hell did I say that outloud to her.
I'm a idiot.
So she asked me if next Monday would work.
I couldn't give her a yes or no. I really want to go back, but than there is this part of me that really wants to say **** this.
Sheasked me if there was any sexual abuse. I was not expecting that question the first session. I was honest at least somewhat. I mentioned my uncle, I didn't let on how bad that was. I mentioned that something had happened a couple of years ago. I didn't tell her about the neighbor who used to babysit me or my grandfather. I don't plan to either. I can't go there.
I was starting to get that feeling in my chest sitting there, so i'm glad she didn't ask too many questions.
I really didn't want to have to excuse myself to the bathroom, to make it stop. I don't think she would of caught on, that I was going to go use the bathroom too cut, but still i'd like to avoid that when I'm there at least..
I really want to give it a good go at this therapy thing, but how the heck am I supposed to do that, when her just asking me if there's been any abuse makes me want to get the hell out of her office.
How do I tell her how the hell do I let her know I need to let another person in on these awful secrets, these awful things that have been eating at me since ****ing kindergarten. Part of me so bad wants to tell someone outloud what happened to me. how the hell am I supposed to do that without getting emotional which is something I do my best to avoid.
I mean **** I want to cut right now writing about this.
I mean just for shitz and giggles what if I went through with it and actually tried talking about this stuff. What happens when I get that feeling in my chest, what happens when every part of me needs to cut. I mean what if this **** got me to the point of tears that can't happen.
I can't exactly say "excuse me I need to go cut myself I'll be right back".I'm so ****ed up.
Dear journal i'm scared to be honest in therapy,I'm scared to let my guard down, I'm scared of letting someone see how bad my heart hurts.
I'm even more afraid of not letting myself accept help. I'm afraid i'm going to **** this up because that's what I do. I drive people away.
I probably won't even give myself the chance to make this work.