Hi..

I dont know what I am needing from this but I guess just some encouragement I will be ok or knowing I am not alone and someone is there and they care? really hope it's ok I post here too but I wasn't really sure where else this would fit..

things right now really aren't great and to be honest they havn't been for a while. I have been finding myself canceling apts with health professionals (including my T) going back to SH, over dosing more often than I should be although I probably shouldn't be doing it at all and I very rarely leave my house now unless I have an apt I must attend or I need to take my pets to the vets or buy them something or of course vet apts and that for my foster kittys. I am finding that I am lying to everyone including my own mum just so I can stock up on tablets (and I dont even know why she gave me what she did and so many when she knows I have a history of over dosing!! ) I feel so out of control but yet I smile and laugh at the appropriate times with people so they think I am 'ok'

I contact a phone helpline regularly but after my 26th birthday (march next year) I wont be able to call as I will be too old for their service. ella keeps yelling at me telling me I need to kill myself now before that support is taken away from me for good and she keeps telling me that nothing will ever get any better for me and I would be much better off dead and being dead means that no one can hurt or abuse me ever again.

my grandma (my mums mum) has just passed away and I couldnt even go to the funeral because I was so scared and afraid that my dad's parents would show up. I knew that probably wouldnt happen but what if I went and they did - he sexualy abused me many times whilst I was growing up and even though he also inappropriately touched my mum lots of times too my parents still allowed them to have me on school holidays and so the abuse continued. he called too.. 3 days after my grandma passed away looking for my mum.. he is banned from calling my parents home phone but he called it and of course I answered. I hate him and I hate my dads mum too for not believing me. why couldnt they have died? my mums parents were amazing and now they are gone for good

at the moment my foster cats include 2 kittens who I have to hand rear so that has been keeping me very busy and distracted. that is good. there is no point to me being alive anymore but still I hope and pray that some day I can be happy again..

oh and my GP well she has been saying some bad things and I told my T and she said that if it continues then she will need to be reported. I didnt want anyone to get into trouble though.. that was not my intention at all I swear!!! I just need her to stop saying what she is cuz its making me living harder and harder with each passing day.

everything feels so messed up and crazy and I just need it to stop. I just need it to stop now. Please someone just make it stop. Please. I dont know if I can do this anymore.