I know PTSD seems like some never-ending thing, but I believe there are stages in it that we go through. I feel like I've entered a different stage of it. The first phase was the initial traumatic event/events. The second was the reaction stage, where everything fell apart and everything was helter skelter. I think I'm in a new, third stage, which is more about acceptance and moving on.

I haven't been posting on here at all lately, because I just don't feel the need to like I did previously. I was posting so much on here in the past because it helped tremendously, but now I feel like I don't dwell so much on the pain and hurt of it, and I'm not thinking so much about past events.

The trauma therapist I'm working with seems to be helping me a lot. I keep peeling away the layers of the onion and having these very deep realizations about myself. Once I do that, a lot of the feelings associated with the events that happened kind of fade to a point where they aren't so threatening.

I still have questions about "what I have" and "where do I go from here" but they aren't as frightening to me now as they once were. Even the roller coaster doesn't seem quite as bad as it was, there are still a lot of ups and downs but some days it feels like it's leveling out more.

It isn't an easy thing to deal with any of this. I know I have made it harder on myself, sometimes I wonder why, through all of the self-torture. I have an aquarium in my office, and there is a submerged filter that puts out a pretty good flow of water. One little sunset guppy always hangs out in the outflow current, I don't know why, it's a big tank, he could be anywhere and be out of the current, but he just does it. Maybe he gets something out of it I can't recognize. Like my T says, all behavior serves a purpose, I "got something" out of the self-torture, now it seems like I don't need it so much.