*****Short, but potentially triggering part is in purple at the very bottom*****

I am FURIOUS!!!!! And upset, distraught, frustrated, scared and stunned in utter incredulity. There really isn't a word for the tornado inside my head. I have been in serious incapacitating pain for a month now. So today, I went in for an appt., being almost out of meds (They can't be called in, even though they are a joke. They manage to bring the pain under the rocking and wanting to die level, but they do not take it away by any means.)

We're not talking me showing up saying, "ow". This is documented. By 8 (yes, 8!) medical professionals. NO ONE thinks I am being a big baby. The consensus is that two things are aggravating one another in a viscous circle. I cannot work. Cannot. (I work with my hands, and there's no getting around having to use the arms and hands of both sides. I really, really tried. Not just because I'm stubborn, but because I make just over minimum wage. No benefits, sick days etc. You are there and working or you are not paid. Period.)

The only test that can concretely verify their diagnoses is unlikely to be under my coverage. So we're trying physical therapy. Fingers crossed and all, but I've already been to 2 of the 6 that will be covered. And been doing the exercises religiously. With no improvement.

She knows this. So what does she do? Prescribes almost enough of what is barely working to get me to a follow up. You know, if I only take 3/4 of what I've been scraping by with. By the time she got back with the Rx, I was in tears (exceedingly rare in Dr. appts.) and said something to the effect of, "so, nothing to improve?" Her response? "The physical therapy."

Yeah. That's all well and good, and let's hope for a miracle, eh? And every week before that hoped-for miracle is yet another without work. So, who knows when or even if I'll be able to go back to it. Like it would have killed her to give me something stronger or more, so I could stand a chance at functioning at all… I am so very f*****.

I went outside and cried for an hour.

I don't mean to worry anyone. I just needed somewhere to vent where people understand how stress for us BPers, isn't "just" stress. Other people simply have no idea with how much we deal with or how intensely it affects us. Unfortunately, my realizing that she doesn't know the amount of "straw" she added on the cart really isn't helping. I'm just really up against it.

(P.S. Follow up is with regular PHP. Hell, yes.)


***** Purple part **********

Just last week I'd finally admitted to my psych how NOT well I've been doing. She asked "those" questions and I admitted to having the thoughts, a lot, and that they'd been "less passive". This experience sooooo did not help. I've got a couple ideas to fight this with. The hard part is trying to keep from projecting their outcomes negatively. So, just trying to stay in the present, a moment at a time.