I have no idea what’s going on with me. My therapist says I have social anxiety but I'm not too sure. I experience these horrible feelings (let me know if any of you guys feel this) where I literally feel at one with the world. It’s hard to explain if you’ve never felt it, It’s when I feel like I’m losing my mind like almost as if I don’t need to feel my feelings and think because everyone thinks and feels the same way I feel, like we are all one. It is horrible because I can’t think when I’m in this state, I lose my individuality to the world and because I lose my thinking and feeling I don’t know who I am anymore and I don’t care. I always catch myself in this state of mind when I notice myself slipping into it and bring myself back repress whatever I’m thinking, try to think differently, usually takes a few hard hours.

My thinking has always been off like I’ve never known what state of mind is the correct one, I just try to go with the one where I feel most like myself and can feel the most feelings (which are horribly repressed most of the time) but I can usually unrepress a small bit of feeling if I focus on my heartbeat and deep breathe. But I’ve never been able to fully relax. I’ve had a tension headache (sometimes goes down my spine) everyday for at least the past five years which I think is caused by repressed feelings but I’m having a hard time unrepressing them because I seem to end up in that state of mind I described above. Also sometimes I feel like people are in my mind with me listening to what I’m saying. I don’t experience panic attacks, I get hot/cold flashes, tingling in feet and hands, my vision changes like sometimes it’s more clear and other times it seems like my vision is dizzy, I have seen bugs that weren’t there but only when I get super stressed and start to black out and my heart beats faster but compared to what others describe as a panic attack it definitely doesn’t feel like that at all, I can actually repress that feeling but I don’t like to. I also feel weightless sometimes, I’m not sure if it’s the same as floating but whatever it is it feels absolutely AMAZING. I don’t feel an extreme direct contact to my body but it makes me feel so alive and free, I’m in love with the feeling. I’m sure it’s not maina though cause even though it feels amazing I don’t feel invincible. I’ve had anxiety or whatever it is my whole life so I don’t know how I’m supposed to be like without it.

I don’t think in anxiety provoking ways that I know of, I don’t experience racing thoughts that often. I have been cutting myself for a couple months now and I’ve had serious thoughts of killing myself and killing others not out of depressed feelings or negative thinking but because I can’t handle these states of mind that I always end up into. I see a therapist but shes really no help, I don’t think she really understands. I am in the middle of being tested for I think personality disorders but I’m only taking them because I was fearing I was going to have one so my therapist suggested it to me to calm my fears. I’m not sure why I’m this way and I want to get better, does anybody have any ideas on what this is and how I can get over this? When you experience anxiety- losing mind feeling does it feel like you’re losing yourself to the world? or see things when you're really stressed out?

I’m not on any drugs legal or illegal, no alcohol, and I’m 18 years old (if that matters)

Thanks for taking the time to read this