I just got out of the hospital again...which I never thought would happen. I'm supposed to be BPII, but I went manic for the 2nd time in 2 years. My doc said today that I may be "in that gray area between I and II". Luckily all I did this time was contact my former mistress via email to ask her some questions that had been nagging me for over a year. Seemed perfectly fine to me. My wife disagreed. She exploded (and is still in the process of exploding) and I almost lost her because of my stupidity. That made me cycle down like falling off a cliff, and I decided to cock-and-lock my Colt 1911, take 400mg of Seroquel and see which one won. I guess I'm lucky the Seroquel knocked me out. Then...on my way to the hospital I got scared and decided I didn't want to go so I opened the door and if my wife hadn't have grabbed my arm I would have become part of the highway.

I seriously thought these days were behind me. My meds seemed to be working okay, and even though we were tweaking and trying to wean me off some of them...the last thing on earth that I wanted to happen happened again. I seriously want to just be normal. Boring. Whatever that isn't bipolar.

So, I'm now on Latuda and 200mg of Seroquel at night so that my sleep patterns stay correct and I get at least 8 hours a night. The Latuda seems to cause my legs to not be able to support my body if I don't eat a lot before taking the pill. I can deal with that as long as it keeps me from flying too close to the sun.

Having bipolar really sucks. I'd rather just be somebody else. Somebody normal.