Thanks everyone for all the opinions on this, it's been really interesting to read.

I think that if I continue in therapy, I will benefit from it. If I go back and this rupture can be mended it would be hugely beneficial in the long-term.
I have made great progress in therapy over the past few years and learned a lot. But as you all know it is a slow painful process.

The trouble I seem to have in therapy is with the inevitable attachment stuff that come from sharing an emotional space with someone not so much the childhood trauma stuff. I know I need to resolve this dynamic that triggers and plays out. And maybe I am running away from dealing with it by considering not going back to therapy.

I feel like by not returning, I have unfinished business. But at the same time, I dread going back to all the deep difficult emotions that are stirred up. The main thing that probably is drawing me back IS the attachment to my therapist, however tentative that attachment is. I miss her.

To not go back... it's kind of like knowing you have cancer but choosing not to have treatment that will help because the treatment in the short time makes you feel really sick.

It's sort of short-sighted in a way because short-term, I want to feel better, not feel so tormented and anxious but really that's just avoiding what's already there. By not going to therapy I am leaving it all dormant, but not getting rid of it.

I suppose I'm wondering about other holistic therapies in an attempt to find a way to deal with my bodies trauma responses. I wonder if I could get that under control if I could then cope with the therapy stuff better?

I wish I could make my mind up with what to do.