All morning at work I heard an inner voice saying "shut up, shut up" it was my voice. When I try and think about it, try to remember it seems so distant, so unbelievable, but when I say to myself ok what if you were just the onlooker while "j" my brother was abused how does that feel? It feels more awful than if it were me. When I think of it being me it feels like I have more control over it, but when I think of it as my brother being abused I feel more panicky, less in control.

I'm gonna have to talk about this more in T, but I will start of by saying I still belief this to be all fantasy but for some reason it has planted itself in my mind in this way.