So I've made a fair bit of progress in recent months since last posting here. I suffer from Social Anxiety, Depression, Self Hatred and other issues that have crippled me for years and made it difficult for me to live out in the real world. My parents enable me like you would not believe, I have the life of a 5 yr old old, the body of a 32 yr old, the wisdom of a 40yr old (not to brag). I've had jobs off and on over the years and attempted university 5 or 6 times without success despite doing well academically when I could handle things. I've been on meds, not now, and seen psychiatrists. I'm currently doing group therapy.

Basically I'm working at a retail sales job now and have a plan to finally move out of my parents house into an apartment that my mother has bought for me. They will still be enabling me after I move in as I won't be able to afford everything, they will have to help with food and other expenses but I will pay the maintenance fees and taxes, she will carry an extremely small mortgage on the place as she can almost buy it outright with some money she had. I feel guilty about they way I'm moving out but it's probably still a move in the right direction.

The job I'm working now is a retail sales job at a local video game store. I've worked retail in the past quite a few years but I don't usually feel as out of place or under qualified as I do here. I like to think of myself as a gamer but I don't eat sleep and breath games like my coworkers and I find myself missing a LOT of knowledge. I find it extremely stressful when customers ask me questions all day long that I can't answer that well and or have to be continually corrected on. That being said my sales numbers are still going ok and I've been told I'm coming along very well. I still find the job very stressful however.

I've also lost over 100lbs in the last year 1/2 or so through diet and exercise. I was walking 100km a week around the city for a while which transitioned into mountain hikes and now running. Been running 4km a day most days the past month or so. I'm up to being able to do close to a 7min mile followed by a 200m walk followed by a 7min 20sec mile, a 200m walk and another 800m run. I get OCD about these things however and I've lost too much weight, down to 160lbs (I'm 6'1). In the past I did get down to 135 which is almost anorexic. I don't want to get there but I find it difficult. It's possible I'm pushing myself too hard at the workouts too, though that's hard to gauge.

The new development however in the past 2 weeks or so are persistent chest pains, light headedness and heart palpitations. I've had a few heart palpitations at work that were strong enough that I had to suddenly stop, take a large breath, my palms became sweaty, I was dizzy and even a bit nauseas. These would last a second or two and then back to normal. However I would continue to have little strings of them at times. Usually they would occur at work but I've had chest pain, light headedness and the occasional heart palp out of work too, though to a lesser degree. I've been to the ER twice now because of them and had blood work and 2 EKGs done. I have worn a Holter monitor for 24 hours and other blood work done as well. All of this so far has come back negative, but I never had a big heart palp while wearing the Holter. As the negative results pile up I'm being forced to assume that this is all anxiety induced brought on by all of the above things happening in my life. The thing is I've had anxiety my whole life and not these symptoms, though years back when I was in HS I did for a period. I'm only working part time at work but even so this is seriously stressing me to my limit as things ramp up to Christmas and the move into my new apartment comes up in about 1 - 2 weeks. I feel like something is going to break :-(