I was sexually/physically/emotionally abused by my best friend for about two and a half years and while he no longer has a way of seeing me, we keep in contact.
I that he abused me and i was able to accept that, but i still find myself unable to let go of him, i like to hear how he's doing or how his day went, it's like a drug that I can't completely cut because i care for him even after everything. Now he's begun talking to me a little more than normal and my boyfriend (who has been extremely patient with me/knows about the abuse and is a bit protective) does not approve and is worried this is going to result in me working backwards after all the work he's done to try to help me improve.
Having his disapproval really worries me, and lately I've been having more and more panic attacks as this has been going on. My head will hurt and i start to shake, i start feeling this tearing in my chest and i can't breathe and just want to hit something to let the pain focus somewhere else, normally instead if there is someone i'm talking to on skype or texting will receive the worst of this and i'll yell at them as if it's all their fault, then when i calm down i feel horrible.
I don't know how to control this these happen without any trigger or warning, just random moments when i feel like everything it built up against me.
Because I often talk to my boyfriend he often is at the receiving end and i feel horrible because he's always been patient before, but i think he's realized this is occurring more and more and i know that even he cannot handle this. does anyone have any advice on how to control this? I'm really scared that it's getting far too out of hand, and I know that most would say to give up talking to my abuser but I can't. I don't understand why but I really cannot, I've tried before and I go crazy if I have absolutely no contact with him.