My b/f had to tell me yesterday that I was not welcome to attend a funeral of a relative of his because I created a scene at family gathering a while back. Booze was involved, and unfortunately, I was not made aware of all of my "actions" until last night.


I could really "feel" how horrible he felt having to tell me this. I took the news with as much grace and understanding as I could. Although I was embarrassed and couldn't help but show disappointment, I told him I accepted their decision and not to let it bother him as it was probably a little presumptuous of me to think that I could / should go in the first place; and that I had only met the deceased about 7 or 8 times before at previous family gatherings. (This man was quite prominent in the city and it will be a very large funeral with many "notable" people there).

Now that the initial shock of this news has worn off and I sit here alone, I feel totally embarrassed and humiliated! I don't know how to deal.

Obviously, there is nothing I can do, but I just don't know how to move forward with this. Like I said, I am utterly humiliated and feel like I have now been classified as trash.

I don't want my thoughts and feelings to get so twisted that it begins a downward spiral, and I don't want to go "slinking away" because I've been shunned. I have "exiled" myself from family and friends all my life as a result of my behaviours, leaving me with few, if any, deep and meaningful relationships. Even if it only happened once, I would just fade out of the picture. I have left behind, what could have been, many wonderful friendships, by doing this.

But this situation is different. This time, it is not me keeping myself away, but am being asked to stay away. And to make matters worse, this is my b/f's family! What does this mean for me if I am ever to have a future with this man?

He must be so humiliated, himself, because EVERYONE is going to ask why, or will know why, I am not there. I feel soooo bad for him. This is as much (or more of) a reflection on him as it is on me.

I wish I were invisible right now. I just want to run away and pretend I never existed!


I've tried so hard to turn things around, but it just isn't enough, is it?? There is no room for errors or slips or mistakes is there? Once one is seen in a certain way, one will always be seen in that way, especially within the family dynamic.

I'm screwed....