I went onto a hotline chat and made up a story that I was a little kid being really badly abused by her parents. It was like the urge to self-harm or something, it was just too big, I felt like I needed a sympathy/attention fix, whatever it was, and it was pretty gratifying until I could tell the counsellor was getting really worried and I shut down the chat because I was worried the counsellor would try to trace the IP, even though I was using a VPN.

I need to talk to T about this. It's not good for me; it's not good for me emotionally and it's not good for the person on the other end who has to listen to a really horrific made up story and it's just not good and I feel so so so so so so so so awful about it. And at the same time I know I'm going to do it again, because part of me can't help it sometimes. I went months without doing it at all, but over the past few weeks it's just seemed really big, and I need to stop it, and I need to tell T, but I can't. I'm scared. And I'm turning into the person my mother always told me I was, someone who lies about being abused just to get attention. I hate myself.