Quote:
Originally Posted by Roxy2293
I suffer from depression and anxiety. I was in love with this guy, but there were so many things that prevented me from going further with him. So many things like he does coke, he's a player, etc etc. I remained friends with him because he told me about his life story and I could relate. I figured it would be ok to have him as a friend than to not have him at all. I stuck up for him, never judged him. I was there by his side though thick and thin, and I thought it would always stay that way, good friends!
Well, I have been ignoring him for the past two months because I noticed a change in his attitude towards me. In September he started to be come hasty with me, and started to be mean to me, so I just didn't talk to him. Then he started contacting my parents and asking them "We all should go out!" He included my name and then he said "I have been trying to go out with you guys for over a year!" And so he invited me out to a bar the other night, and I decided to go because I felt bad I ignored him. I went and it was the worst night of my life. He ignored me, humiliated me, and bullied me. He kept saying "I knew you were a lesbian!" All because I call a girl "hot" to her face. He kept calling me the other derogatory name for lesbian. He introduced me to people and said "This is my friend Sara, the d*ke" People laughed and thought it was funny. He treated me so terribly, and so wrong. He also flirted with girls in front of me and talked to them, and went off with his buddies, left me by myself and ignored me. It was such a terrible, traumatic night for me. Reminded me of the bullied days in high school, it brought that emotional trauma back.
I am never speaking to him again. He humiliated me and made a fool out of me, and was utterly cruel to me that whole night. But now I just have immense anger! I can't let go of it. I can't sleep and when I do sleep I have nightmares of him ignoring me and ridiculing me in front of people. I am so distraught and upset over this incident. I am letting him rent so much space in my head. I just don't know what to do? I am so angry, sad, and hurt. I feel like ripping him to shreds but I know I can't. I am in a deep depression, and all I keep doing is replaying that horrible night out in my head. How do I let go of this anger? Will I ever let go of it? I am so hurt, that it's causing physical problems, and it literally consumes my head day in and day out.
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Dear Roxy,
I have only realized this myself, but I think I understand what's going on with you and I think I know exactly what to do about it too. I'll attempt to explain and you let me know if this is making sense to you.
The most important and revealing fact of your story is simply this: Although the party was obviously very unpleasant and stressful for you, you nevertheless did not leave, at least, not for a long time. Understanding WHY you did not leave is the essential point. I believe that this is the key to understanding what's going on and the key, perhaps, to resolving your entire depression and anxiety.
I think that you did not leave that party because the hidden central mechanism of depression was at work. The central mechanism, I believe, is that stress causes you to unconsciously turn away from your own internal decision making process. Under stress, a depressed person will stop deciding anything without realizing that they have stopped deciding anything. I suspect that you were in this state throughout the party and that's why you didn't leave. Although the process of slipping into this state is unconscious, you still get a sense that something is wrong and a horrible sense of helplessness on top of all the emotional stress from how you are being treated.
Roxy, that part of you that decides what you do is very important. In a way, it is your own true inner self. Getting back in touch with it may be the key to overcoming your depression and may be the key to many other wonderful benefits too. This is all just my opinion, but I really think I am right about this. For more, including what to do about it, see this thread
http://forums.psychcentral.com/depre...n-escaped.html
By the way, this is the same reason why depressed people find holiday social gatherings horribly depressing. If you're not depressed, the closest feeling to it might be the feeling you have while you are being pulled over by a traffic cop or being robbed at gunpoint. That horrible feeling of helplessness happens for depressed people all the time.
- vital