I know you're right Zinco, I was being like a kid at christmas. I really wanted that puppy, I knew I wouldn't get the puppy, but until christmas morning there's always the dream. Now christmas morning has been and gone there's no puppy and nothing much to look forward to except another long wait.

Part of the problem is that having had such a long wait to get psychiatric care, I set too much store by it. I'd already figured out my choices were going to be limited, I just didn't want to hear that officially. My urinary problem has reoccured with enough ssri/snri/tca antidepressants to know that it won't be worth trying out the few I haven't already tried. My Pdoc doesn't favour MAOIs, there are no new drugs due for release in the UK anytime soon. That leaves Lithium, anti-psychotics and then anti-convulsants. I've got to try them in that order, apparently. Anti-psychotics could well cause urinary problems and when it comes to anti-convulsants, then it would be valporate or carbamazapine, in the UK Lamictal is only an option for Bipolar.

Now I've got to wait until the New Year for therapy and I really want that to help, I'm just so fed up of waiting. I ought to be quite good at meditation, I used to like breathing and relaxation exercises and be able empty my head pretty well. I say used to because depression seems to rob me of this and my ability to daydream too.

I know I'm being hopeless and helpless, I know I need to put in more work myself and rely less on the medical world. It is just SO hard to do that.