I've spent most of this year trying to figure things out, find a solution, to believe my life can improve. I feel weary, old, used up. It follows me in every mood, day after day, growing in intensity. I get so tired of not being able to get helpful advise or counsel. Just me, limited as I am, my terrible memory, inability to focus, difficulty learning - there's no pill to fix it, clinical psychologists have told me I'm not cognitively able to benefit from therapy, I'm just alone with nothing to enjoy, just pain, more pain, today, tomorrow, month after month...

It's depressing. I try to distract from it and this sometimes works, but only so long. Eventually I'll encounter something that reminds me of how inescapable things are, then I... I want to cry. I just can't stand this.

The only people which have bothered listening with the intent to understand and directly address the challenge I face have been paid to do so and the counsel they provide amounts to shrugging their shoulders. I am left to my own devices, my brain whispers suicide to me - since no one has had better ideas I find myself wondering if perhaps it is time to heed it's advise. I am tired, tired, so tired. Weary yet never sleepy, I sleep but never rest, I wake but and am alert; it is as if there is no time, no change, no future, no present, no movement from the hopelessness of my situation - it follows, creeping beside me, always there, ready, waiting, with a patience I have tried to match but I am exhausted by the effort and have ever less desire to outlast it.

I do not want tomorrow.