Nature, please understand that many of us on this forum have witnessed or endured the kind of violence you fear and fantasize about. Honestly, the kinds of things you are threatening/sharing are not ones I could ever be silent about.

Too often, people are afraid to make a judgement call in case it's wrong. I will always err on the side of safety, especially for children and animals. Whether or not you are just venting or are serious, you've said that your doctor is urging APs now, so someone in your real life is concerned about you and those around you. I hope you find a way to follow through and get some help.