A few months ago I had a falling out with my mom. Subsiquently my sister followed.

I called my mom to tell her happy thanksgiving, it went to voice mail. I hope they went out and didn't sit in the house like they have done year after year. I'm relieved I didn't have to hear another guilt trip. I am sad that we can't find common ground and my family is missing out on my family, my children. I also live with fear.

Fear that when we reconnect, I will fall back into the guilt trips. I will allow my mother control to make life easier. I fear how much she hates my husband, a man she refuses to get to know. I fear when she sees somthing in my son that reminds her of my father, her brother, or anyone she hates. I fear being told I'm doing something to hurt my children by giving them something organic, or encouraging them to be active. I'm afraid of little league games, I'm afraid when my daughter gets old enough to start dating that my mom will try to have a say and give advice. I'm afraid Facebook posts she doesn't see first. I'm afraid of my inlaws and my fathers side having fun with my children because I know that will hurt her. I'm afraid of what she has become hidden from the world having me lie and protect her. I'm afraid to let her take my kids in the car because of how much she drinks. I miss my family and I feel bad that they are missing out on my kids but I fear the day they come back into my life. I fear the day I'm not good enough. I fear the day my kids are weird. Holidays are rough.