You sound like someone who would be happier living alone. Either the apartment is your private sanctuary, or it's home to both your boyfriend and you. Pick one.

Don't think I'm being harsh or unsympathetic. You'ld be surprised at how much we have in common. I have a boyfriend of 30 years. We went back and forth between living together and living separately multiple times. We shared 3 apartments. We lived back to back in a duplex. And we have lived separately. I'm happiest (and he is too) with us living separately, so now we each have our own apartments that are 5 miles apart. That's been the arrangement for the past 7 years, and it's working . . . more or less.

I'm a person who likes things my own way, and I own that. Sounds like you are too. My boyfriend, like yours, is very different from me in his habits, and that annoyed the heck out of me when we lived together. One thing life has taught me is that people don't change much.

Another option might be for you two to eventually get a someone bigger space to live in where you can have a room of your own that is off limits to him and his guests. I tried that, and it kind of worked for a while.

The rule you have about him always telling you before he brings anyone over is a rule that is appropriate for a child, but not for an adult with whom you are cohabiting. Even a child should be able to come home with a friend unexpectedly now and then. It sounds like you regard the apartment as your home, and he is a guest that you are allowing to stay with you, but it is not his home. Do you think that is a realistic arrangement between two people in love dwelling together?

I hear your pain. When I am at my boyfriend's house, I have my own sugar bowl there that I warn him never to touch. He gets coffee granules into his sugar bowl, and I can't stand that. Even as a child, my family of origin used to tell me that I was a pain in the ***, always insisting on having things my way. "Won't we be glad when she moves out to a place of her own!" my mother used to say to the rest of the family. Eventually I did, and it was blissful for me to have my own inviolable space. But you only really have that when you live alone, so I do. You might want to seriously consider that.