Hi it's twofaces.

I previously had massive depression last year and had to see psychologist for one year. It did get better and now I'm in control of my mood better than before.

However, I kept struggling to communicate, keep in contact with others, be active, and was frequently confused in my work. I was always paranoid about relationships, and couldn't get rid of thoughts of 'that person surely hates me because last time I made this mistake....' But then it was just my assumption. No one actually hated me that badly just because of one event. Even then, I found it so hard to connect back to those people again. Then I avoid.

I also find it very hard to forget and move on. The mistakes I made 7 years ago still haunts me when I think about it. I remember almost every single details of them, and they just haunt me so much.

Majority of my day is also spent playing video games and doing meaningless things, and I feel guilty about not doing productive things. My self esteem of also very low, and people who knew me for some time in work often tells me that 'you know what you are doing inside your head, but when it actually comes to dealing with things, you are no longer yourself.'

I also always think about bad sides. I'm always anxious about my exam results, applications, and relationships. And when these linger around, I tend to close myself in my room to avoid these feelings. In the end, I have never failed a subject before, getting high scores in some assignments, and passing exams with satisfactory scores.

I have always wondered, why do I make myself suffer. I ran 2 half marathons and completed a marathon 2 months ago. The feeling of satisfaction went for day of so, but it came back in a form of self-flagellation. Whenever I'm not doing something well I always tell myself 'you've ran a marathon, you've passed everything, but you cannnot do this particular task? What's wrong with you?'

Now I know why from knowing that such personality disorder exists. I was so surprised that most of the characteristics featured in the disorder matches with what I'm going through.