At the end of the day, it is both of these that end up constituting the same thing. It is insecurities in person A that leads person A to abuse person B and so on. Trying to be in control is a prime example. By controlling an environment, person or whatever, the person with insecurities feels less insecure, because there is less that has the potential to go wrong in their view. But, it is exactly the person who has the least control in life who tries to apply this sense of control.

Linden23, I have to commend you for having a change of heart and seeing what you did about yourself and when you did, you did a great thing for yourself and I'm sure you feel almost liberated in a way. You have faced what many men in your position would never face. But, I have to ask though, I'm assuming the reason you and your lady split was because of the issues you were dealing with, right? Now that you have identified these issues though, why is it such a bad idea for you guys maybe not to come back together again and this time have a new and different relationship? You have identified these things you were struggling with. Now you know the mistakes you made then, so I would imagine you're not going to make them again. Sorry, I don't mean to pry, but I'm just curious. It sounds like she still cares about you, despite everything.

You have to cut yourself a little slack too. You know you WERE bad or whatever, does that mean now you have to be punished for it and don't deserve happiness for the rest of your life, despite you wanting to change, or even having changed? Having this view means that this issue will go forward with you in life even into a new relationship if/when you have one, and will continue to torment you, unless you can let it go or reinvent a new relationship with your ex. It sounds like you guys care about each other a lot. Are both of you single at the moment, still single after splitting? If so, then that might be a sign that you guys are struggling to get over each other.