Thank you both StbGuy and hamster-bamster for your replies.

hamster-bamster, we caught up recently, started talking for a month, and she said she'd forgiven my lies. She wasn't aware of how horrible she was being manipulated, though, until I told her about it during this catch-up. She said she wouldn't forgive me for that, but still wanted to continue talking to me.

I've decided to distant myself from her to make it better. It's torturing me and I know I deserve it, but I'm not sure if it's improving anything about me. Instead, it seems like I'm obsessing over her more than ever, and I'm not sure what else to do to make this unhealthy obsession stop.

StbGuy, I don't think we can ever get back together because, firstly, here's the really weird part: we've never met in real life. It started off as an online relationship. And so I felt I didn't need to tell her anything real, and if things got too serious, I could just leave and it'll be like we never met. To me, she was just a virtual object that would always be there when I needed it - and she was always, always there when I wanted her, even after the first two times we split.

It was only after reading the book from the perspective of an abuser earlier this year and realizing how horrible I was that I started appreciating her as who she was. I still ended the relationship with her anyway, and during our time apart I think that's when I started seeing her as a person, liking her as a person. And during our recent contact, things were warm and fuzzy again. On top of that, this time everything felt real. Best part, I was seeing her as a real person.

But here comes the second reason: I don't think I've fully learned that I can't control her. If anything, these feelings of wanting to control seem more intense than ever. Towards the end of our recent contact, I did that mistake again of wanting to make her upset just because she did something that didn't please me. I realized my mistake, though, and this time spoke to her about it, but for that day all I could do was stay mad at her. A week later, I also found out she might like someone else now and I know if she starts dating him, I would be in pieces mainly because that meant I've completely lost my control on her. I'm able to see her as a person now, identify when I'm being a scumbag, but I don't think I've been able to fully get over the fact that I can't control her and I shouldn't anyway.

After our last split I've also gone through some really tough times, which basically woke me up from this, in general, sky-high ego I had. I'm still in the process of picking myself up together, fixing my life, and trying to be a better person overall. It's tough and I feel this situation with her is the first thing to truly fix this time round. She's all I can think about now, all I want to get back now - though I know it isn't genuine - and it really needs to stop. But nothing seems to make it stop...