It is possible to miss someone and "hate" them at the same time. I think it is just you're hurting, and it will take time to get over.
There is different things coming. Give yourself time to heal. I hope you can see a therapist somehow to get professional help.
The only way to shake the humiliating and painful memories is to let them be, you can't push them away, in my opinion.
I hope things get better and you don't give up.