Quote:
Originally Posted by Linden23
Thank you both StbGuy and hamster-bamster for your replies.
hamster-bamster, we caught up recently, started talking for a month, and she said she'd forgiven my lies. She wasn't aware of how horrible she was being manipulated, though, until I told her about it during this catch-up. She said she wouldn't forgive me for that, but still wanted to continue talking to me.
I've decided to distant myself from her to make it better. It's torturing me and I know I deserve it, but I'm not sure if it's improving anything about me. Instead, it seems like I'm obsessing over her more than ever, and I'm not sure what else to do to make this unhealthy obsession stop.
StbGuy, I don't think we can ever get back together because, firstly, here's the really weird part: we've never met in real life. It started off as an online relationship. And so I felt I didn't need to tell her anything real, and if things got too serious, I could just leave and it'll be like we never met. To me, she was just a virtual object that would always be there when I needed it - and she was always, always there when I wanted her, even after the first two times we split.
It was only after reading the book from the perspective of an abuser earlier this year and realizing how horrible I was that I started appreciating her as who she was. I still ended the relationship with her anyway, and during our time apart I think that's when I started seeing her as a person, liking her as a person. And during our recent contact, things were warm and fuzzy again. On top of that, this time everything felt real. Best part, I was seeing her as a real person.
But here comes the second reason: I don't think I've fully learned that I can't control her. If anything, these feelings of wanting to control seem more intense than ever. Towards the end of our recent contact, I did that mistake again of wanting to make her upset just because she did something that didn't please me. I realized my mistake, though, and this time spoke to her about it, but for that day all I could do was stay mad at her. A week later, I also found out she might like someone else now and I know if she starts dating him, I would be in pieces mainly because that meant I've completely lost my control on her. I'm able to see her as a person now, identify when I'm being a scumbag, but I don't think I've been able to fully get over the fact that I can't control her and I shouldn't anyway.
After our last split I've also gone through some really tough times, which basically woke me up from this, in general, sky-high ego I had. I'm still in the process of picking myself up together, fixing my life, and trying to be a better person overall. It's tough and I feel this situation with her is the first thing to truly fix this time round. She's all I can think about now, all I want to get back now - though I know it isn't genuine - and it really needs to stop. But nothing seems to make it stop...
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It will take time though. You cannot change overnight. Also, you've only identified the issues thus far, now still comes the hard part of actually changing things in yourself.
The one way to combat that sky-high ego is to try and break it down from within. For this you'll have to open up completely to her. I don't think you're feelings are fake at all in my opinion. The feelings you have for her - if you were just pretending - she wouldn't matter so much to you. It is your person that you were before that is not allowing you to see that because it's trying to hold on to the old ways were you believed you were in control all the time. I had the same feelings for a girl in my life and I tried many times to convince myself it was just my imagination, or that I was just a monster and couldn't possibly feel true love. Nothing could be further from the truth. I think you may have the same issue, you don't believe it's possible that you can actually care about someone, and this stuff you are feeling must therefore be fake. What you are starting to feel for her is love. No matter how messed up we are as people, it is the one feeling no man can ever escape - somewhere it will intersect with his life. I ignored love my whole life and guess what - it came to find me. OK, my girl and I aren't together, but I don't think I'll ever stop loving her, even if I do love another woman, which I do actually.
You basically have to go against yourself, which is the most difficult challenge any man will ever face in his life.
I'm proud of you because you made real progress, maybe you don't realize that. You are saying that for the first time you are seeing her as a person, not that object (a sex object I would imagine). That's progress.
I was the same, I also only saw girls for their sexual potential. And, you know who's to blame for that? The older men in your life when you're a little boy like your dad, and the ****-head guys/classmates at school. They imprint in a non-verbal manner into your head that girls are all about sex for a guy. It was only till I met this girl that I love, that I realized it's way more than sex. As a man, you almost get this urge to want to protect and cherish her, and hold her, and tell her every second of the day how beautiful she is and how much you love her. Now, if even a loser and half-psycho like me can feel that, I'm sure you can feel it a lot stronger than I. There's a song by a band called "The Police" (lead singer is Sting) and it's called "Everything she does is magic". Man, I get goosebumps and tears when I hear it, describes my situation perfectly.
Don't screw up like I did. I still think about this girl everyday. OK, she wants nothing to do with me, so I'm pretty much screwed, but it sounds like your loved one is actually wanting to give you a chance. And, you can change.
The key is to become vulnerable almost, to put yourself in a position where you're not in control at all. Tell her exactly what you do when you are lying or manipulating her, and give her full power to confront you about it. And, you MUST PROMISE not to get angry one bit. If she says something, no matter how silly it sounds, she's probably right. Women are masters of emotion, they can see stuff in us we didn't even know we had. That's why she cares about you most likely, because she can see a great man in you that you can't even see yourself. Only by breaking down your massive ego and allowing someone else to take control a bit, will you become more and more free by the day, and you'll see, you won't even need all this stupid control crap anymore, eventually you can toss it completely.
I think I know where your problems are coming from, you probably had quite a narcissistic dad like I have.
All the best
