I started seeing this T about just over a year ago. At first everything was great because he suffers from OCD like I do. When he would talk about his experiences I was in awe, it was just like my story, just like it has been when I connected here at PC with you guys. Well after awhile it was difficult because he only specializes in anxiety disorders, knows very little about BP, I don’t think he has ever had a relationship, so talking about marital issues was out of the question. Well I ended therapy probably about two months ago. My reason was we got to talking about my relationship with my mother.
Let’s just say, I literally cannot stand my mother. She lives five minutes away from me and I maybe see her six to ten times a year. She is a major trigger for me. Within minutes I am pissed off. How do I put it, she lacks “the mother gene” is what I call it. To name a few examples. My parents are workaholics so I basically raised my little sister. I asked my mother once why she had us and she replied “well that was the thing to do back then.” I asked her why she wasn’t there for me when I was going thru hell as a teen with the misdiagnosed BP and the OCD, and she replied, “I was, I drove you to therapy.” So you can only imagine what she thinks about MI. My sister has some problems as well, thank God not what I have, but she has suffered. When she was a teenager she was having suicidal thoughts and she asked my mother if she could go to a therapist, my mom replied “all teenagers go thru this, you don’t need to see a therapist.” I’ve taken care of my sister and helped her thru these tough times, put a roof over her head for years to help her get thru college, anything to keep her away from her. I did all of this while fighting my own demons, when I should have had a mother to be there. So basically I hate her. This is horrible to say, life would be easier if she was gone. The only reason I visit is I feel bad for my dad.
So, I’ve done therapy on and off for the past twenty years, and it always comes back to my mom. I know I can’t change her, I don’t want to be around her, she’s selfish, a hoarder and depressed that won’t admit that she has problems or that she has done anything wrong in her life. I have even apologized over and over thru the years about the things I did as a teen. I was diagnosed as having depression and they kept putting me on SSRIs which I was constantly manic, so constant rages.
Basically I’m done with her, so why keep bringing it up in therapy? I want to focus on me and coping skills. Why ask me what my goals are in therapy if you are just going to dwell on my ***** of a mother who destroyed my childhood that I have tried to block out?
So why I’m writing about this is because I can’t stop thinking about it because my husband brought it up, saying I need to get back into therapy because he knows my mind is racing 24/7 and he knows I’m not happy. He then says that I need to talk about my mom, that my childhood and her has to do with my illnesses? What? Is he right? I’m trying to avoid one of the biggest triggers for me.
Sorry this is so long.